Saturday, May 2, 2009

I will go down with this Ship, I wont put my hands up and surrender, there will be no white flag above my door. *-*

I swear, just by the thought of it, im afraid. Afraid that one day, it will all come out, and i'll probably do something i'll regret. This much is true, im currently unstable. I dont need another voice telling me what to do, and what i should do. Its just going to push me further to my limits and if i ever just give up, just let go of that grip of sympathy, i dont think i'll be coming back the way i entered. Im feeling it more and more everyday, its slowly slipping and my grip is getting loose, im losing control and everything seems harsher than it should be.

You've had someone say to you "I've seen you around, i've noticed you, your not like others, your different. Your loyal, your determined, your incredibly faithful, and theres a purpose for everything. Your faith will heal you". Atleast someone believes that i wont be seduced by the darkness lurking within. Temptations grow stronger the more you deny it, and desires linger the more you substitute it. Theres no where, no possible way to escape, its indefinite, just like fate. We are here because we have a purpose.

Im feeling potentially vulnerable each and everyday. Almost like, a piece of the puzzle is missing, me being the puzzle and each day, im filled with a new gap. Grab hold of the pieces that make the most of you and break free, become a individual. Quite curious to the thing thats going to set me off, at the moment, it seems like everything, even the smallest and slightest discomfort is ticking my timer. Every heart beat is a wasted second.

At the moment im just thinking of ways i can postpone my anguish. Vi qouted me "God doesnt give you anything you cant handle, and at times he will offer his hand to uplift you". What i want now, is someone spiritual to uplift me, im beginning to doubt my confidence. I dont think i can get pass this, yet the answer is infront of me, literally. "Believe". Is it possible that the darkness also knows our greatest weak point? It seems his every move has been accurate and precise in terms of bringing me down.

I want my old perception of life and the world back. When matters did not concern me but others more. I remember Vic qouted me "If you cant help yourself, nobody can". At the moment, i just hope i dont go down like a C4. Each day, each second, i can hear it beeping, just waiting to burst out every single upheld emotion.

Its sort of like, hiking up a mountain, but taking your own independent path and reaching a dead end, and in order to reach higher grounds, you need to go back down and follow a differnt path if the purpose was to reach the top of the mountain. And right now, this is my mountain, and the only path left is to stand firm, or go back to the bottom and start over again if reaching the top means rescueing yourself.

Never give up. This song "DIDO - White flag" makes me want to surrender. You know, theres been so many times where i thought i was out of this pit, yet over the period, i find myself sinking into darkness all over again. And i come back to questioning myself, why am i back here? and i think the answer is because, i keep running away. I should face it and give it a propper answer.

But everytime, im in reach of the answer button, im faced with the thing thats got a hold of me. You know when you get questions with multiple answers and you just dont know which one to pick? In my exams i would pick the closest two and drop a pencil, whichever one it lands on, i'll take that as the answer.

All this guilt. That was the first time i ever gave into myself and let it have its way. And now, im losing my authority.

I swear im just like that T-rex ==.

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