Right now i feel so weak, emotionally, mentally. So I've been working out a lot. It makes me feel stronger about myself. I hate feeling weak, because most the time i'm standing on-top of the world. But right now, the world is standing on top of me.
I feel like I'm being trampled on. I've always been stronger than this. I've never broken down. But right now, it feels as if, i'm losing it. People are noticing, I'm in a wreck. Every time i'm offered help, i refuse.
And i know they have the best interest in heart, but I've grown up supporting myself without the help of others. And i hate that nobody was there for me when i was young. Yeh, i have a problem, and it's because i'm stubborn. I wish i wasn't alone.
I know it's hard to comprehend, me? alone? I have tonnes of friends, and i'm a nice guy. But the truth of the matter is, I've always felt alone. Maybe its the fact that my mum and dad was never there for me. And i think the reason i'm feeling all this now is because I'm about to give up.
I just need a little push on the back, without knowing someone is behind me.
You know that feeling? the one you feel, but don't ever do anything about? The one that aches, and spreads like wildfire? The one that covers your eyes in shades of grey?
You know what i'm talking about.
Superman isn't suppose to feel emotional right? I'm not sure why, but recently I've been feeling really vulnerable, it's like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and the longer i hold it up, the more collateral damage i take.
I like to think that everyone has someone around them, that suppresses their true feelings. That makes them forget for a moment, that they're tied down. I'll admit this here, and i hope she doesn't read my blog, because it's gonna be a pain in the ass to admit it. But i think mine is Kim.
Everyone should have someone to talk to about life in general. Right now, mine is Clara, for some reason, we're very similar. And usually this person changes, or varies depending on the circumstance. But regardless, whats important is that, at some point in your life, you have to let your own guard down, you have to open up, take the risk, and trust that your friend will understand.
Life was never meant to be dealt with alone. It was meant to be shared. Maybe i'll be-able to open up again.
Most of the time it's just too difficult, or too scary. It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it, but it's always there, and until you Finnish it, it will always be.
I need to finish what I've started. I should, but i don't think i can, right now anyway. (:
So the thing about me is. I have a expectation of everyone. I expect everyone to treat me, and respect me the same way i value them. And maybe thats childish but it means a lot to me.
I'm not usually interested in people, but when i am, you will know it. The thing is, just as i get to know someone who i'm interested in. I get the feeling they're not who i think they are. Because lets face it, we all have different faces in different shades. And what i felt from what i saw, was something i hoped you weren't.
Maybe there's a possibility that i'm wrong this time, but I've been disappointed yet again. Nobody ever plays the right cards long enough to see what happens next.
Here's something i'm gonna chuck out into the world, because i think it's true. (maybe it'll fly away).
I think i have a problem (a pickle if you must). I'm kinda afraid to open up and express myself. It's kinda girly to say such a thing. But every time i do, i lose someone i love/care about a lot. The risk is just overwhelming.
Unless you don't understand me, my words are silent.