Monday, August 31, 2009

Love sounds good, and them how to be a jerk lollies! *-*

I've been watching alot of NCIS, Criminal Intent, Law & Order, CSI Miami, Numbers, and Two and a half men. And it's taken me awhile to realise, but, i wonder, under which juresdiction do we have the authority to authorise a license to kill? More like, we're all human, a cop and a theif are pretty much the same, if you seperate their intentions and their reason. The theif might kill to escape, and the cop will probably kill for his version of justice. And it hit me, does God allow that? So i began thinking of alternatives, for example, the cheif of police hiring policemans are pretty much sending their force to hell? Killing isnt allowed, what seperates the definition of "murder"? A man killing for justice for example, has taken a life, and would not be listed as a criminal?

Googles definition of murder is as follows:

Murder: unlawful premeditated killing of a human being by a human being.

The sentence sais "human being by a human being" so technically, even the police are murderers. A policeman shooting a criminal because his about to pick up a gun, and a criminal picking up a gun because he feels threatened by a policeman, same circumstance, except ones identified as good and the other bad.

So what i wanted to point out was, do policemans go to hell?

Another whack question i came up with, was. Does the high court of Australia, the one that sets our laws and rights go to hell because they set laws too high of standards? Like a man stealing food for his family, gets shot for stealing or put in jail for however long, does the high courts get judged and go to hell? or does the policeman who shot/jailed the man get punnished? or does the father stealing for his family get punnished again for attempting to feed his family through wrongs.

And by wrongs i mean the courts visualization of a wrong. It's all very confusing. And if we didnt have laws, there'd probably be alot more injustice going on. But then again, what is justice? Justice might be what we describe as what we feel or what makes us feel safe.

That said, im sure theres an answer for everything, we're just not prepared for it, yet. As a human being, im sure im not the only persons, who has unaswered questions. We probably wouldnt beable to handle it if we were given the answeres at this moment. Whats our purpose for living? Why are we here? Are we just an experiment? Is there really a hell? Am i going there? Why do we die? Why do we have emotions? Why do we love? Why does love get broken? why do we feel pain? why are we who we are?

I'll be honest, i sometimes and still think about this, i get random moments which remind me of my theology. Every now and then, i'd think like this. Imagine it like this, we look the way we look now, but in a spiritual sense, we're in heaven, and we're at a counter picking out jars, but no ordinary jars. Jars like humour, hamsomeness, sexyness, manners, morality, ethnicity, love, wealth, size, weight, hight, success, intelligence, flexibility, strength, sensitivity, pretty much everything that has anything to do with how we feel and how we respond to it.

I was imagining myself like this.

Ummm God, i'll take some of that, yeh the looks, some wealth, i wouldnt need much of that hey? I mean it doesnt look important, yeh i'll take maybe a little bit, some intellect, it looks kinda weird, i wont take many of those, maybe its bad, umm how about some love, that sounds cool, i think i'll take 5 more than the intellect, and how about those? they look good, yeh those things that look like muscles, yeh i'll take 10, strength hey? is that what you call it? And how about alot of those, they look yummy, sounds weird "faith" yeh, hit me, i'll take an extra 10. And what about those? they look very, umm different? i'll take 2 skillz, mmz whats a art, sports, dance, vocals, publisher, actor, i think i'll choose the art and something else, i'll get back to you on that God. Now how about them umm things over there, yeh them things, what do they do? oh really? i'll take 50! love food hey? i wonder what thats going to be like? and how about them shyness? sounds pretty cool i'l take 10, and them arhhh confidence, sounds hard, i'll take 2, and them over there, behind the blue box, yes those, i'll take 5, what do they do? kindness? sounds alrite, i'll take an extra 20, and whats this new product you've just got delivered in store? weak immune system, wow sounds awsome, immunity sounds fabulous, i'll take 200, and how about them friendship ones, they look fancy, i'll take 40, and them family ones, i'll take 5, and them addiction ones, i'll take 30, and how about them racist ones, i'll take 30, and maybe some more love. Wow, im bummed i've purchased so much, that'll be it for now. (:

Well thanks God, i hope i picked the right ones, and that i'll beable to use them appropiately. Wow i've certainly got alot of these "mocking" ones, im gonna be an awsome being!

Year 2009, damn! i made the wrong choices, i guess what i need to do now is, make of what i've got and be myself. Instead of worrying about what others have and how they make of it.

Just shoot me.

Do you guys have anything, a particular thing, that brings back the most memories? My tables full of memories from the past. But theres one thing on it that always gets my attention. You guys wouldnt know what it is, but its very ireggular, a toy. I think i've told vince the story before. Anyway, ever have those moments where you think back, and you reach a point where its really touched you? and you dont dare to continue the thought, or the thought of what happend from then and now? And you wonder, why it's significance is so big. It didnt mean much then, i dont know why i kept it, and im half glad i did, it makes me think. Probably makes me human.

I get alot of people telling me my room is very children copycat. Yeh, i have alot of toys and soft toys and all these colorful things. And almost every one of them have their own stories. Andy came into my room yesterday and we began talking about the show.

Andy: hey, you going to the show this year?
Peter: yeh, probably, iuno, its always dissapointing.
Andy: no crap hey? why are you even going? it's the same shit every year.
Peter: yeh, i know, iuno, i just go to hang out with friends and chat, other then that its boring as.
Peter: yeh, if i go this year, im definiatly not leaving til i get another big toy. Last year i won a huge shark.
Andy: lmao, your so stupid i swear, you pick the worse toy there is.
Peter: what? nah i got it because the previous year, i won a smaller shark, so i felt obliged to.
Andy: whatever, i saw Cherie holding it.
Peter: rofl, yeh, man i totally should have got a care bear or a luigi lol
Andy: fuck luigi, his gay.
Peter: yeh, that movie wasnt bad ha?

Anway, the conversation went null from there. But i plan to get a cool toy this year from basketball, altough i havnt played in months. Actually i just took a quick look around my room, and i can remember every story of how i got them and why i kept them. Theres this one stupid one, and it always makes me laugh, getting into stupid arguements and getting no where. Dont you love being wrong and not accepting it, just to keep the other person heated up, haha.

And this other toy, one i got from Sarah, at first i was like man this toy sucks balls. And then Sarah starts playing with it and going "hahaha" and then i gave it to her, and went back to buy another one. And thats when she got the "hahaha" phase going. Theres this clock i bought with Zhen, and it's never worked, we use to go to ingle farm and buy all these randoms toys which were either broken or horribly made. He bought alot of useless junk, but probably all for my entertainment. Amazing how much times change. He was one of those people who probably saw me for who i was back in the days and still decided to give me a second chance. I was a duche, a tool, and now? we're still friends. Amazing how life works.

Just a few minutes ago, i had a what i'd like to call, a "just shoot me" moment. I'll explain another night, good night Adelaide.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Yes, i would.

Question: So i've been thinking of a different kind of question in response to my last one. If you could go back time, but not change it, with a maximum limit of 5 years, would you?

Answer: I'd want to go back to year 9 and relive those moments for sure, but i dont know if its worth looking back at how i use to be. i was a whack child haha. On the other hand, i'd hate wanting to grow up again, frustrating about reaching 18. Although its nothing interesting, you just feel like you've achieved something. Yeh, what the heck, i'd go back in time and watch myself for the next 5 years and laugh at myself. That would be such a thrill.

Unfortuantly, i dont have any photoes from year 8-12. Apart from this, which i found of face book.

Sang, Me, James and Michael.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Thumping backwards.

When you begin to hear foot steps other than yours, your heart thumps.
When you see shadows multiplying, you heart thumps.
And when the skies begin to flash dance, your heart thumps.

And it's not the kind of thump your use to, your hearts beating backwards, and it feels like a heart ache, similar but not the same. It's similar to the heart ache in a relationship, it's similar to the heart ache you feel when your excited.
But this one is darker, you feel fear stealthing into your heart, it begins to devour you, and you feel completely vulnerable.
It's growing in you, and your hearts thumping faster. You suddenly begin to think. And you come to a conclusion that, your times anytime.

Your walking under poles and tree's. The dance floor is eternal. Times ticking, and your thinking about your death. Dying at the door step, dying on the road. Dying alone.

Your hearts still thumping backwards, and the fear has reached your eyes. Your afraid. You feel like this, now, is your time.
And the fear that you've consumed suddenly begins to ripple. Your faith has come. And you begin to think, i'm not ready yet.
It's not worth it. The hard way is the only way. Your hearts thumping inwards again, and every minute you'd double think. You'd reassure yourself. This is what i want.You've reached your door step, and you thank God that you wern't alone.

I dont know what overcame me, but i felt like my time had come. I'll be honest, when i was a child, i remember having huge migrains which were apparently incurable. My faith healed me, indefiniatly. I spoke to God, perhaps made a deal. I told him, God, if your there, if you do exist, please cure me, give me a second chance. Let me live til im 20, or til im married, or have a family, or atleast 20. I promise i'll be a better person, i'll donate to the poor, i'll give food to the broken, i'll be nice to people, i'll be what you want, i'll help out, i'll go to church, i'll read the bible, i'll do anything. I woke up cured and happy. I had forgotten our conversation and the promise. Last year Cherie got me to church, and there was a sermon. Pastor Ashleigh was speaking, and my spine shivered on me, i suddenly remembered my promise. I slowly began to fullfill it, trying to become better than who i was. And so heres the truth. I'm sorta scared that maybe my time is next year. I'm feeling limited. When lightning was flashing infront of me tonight, i was so afraid, i wanted to call my mum to pick me up, i didnt want to wake her. I thought maybe i'll sit somewhere til the skies calm down. I was thinking why i didnt go with Cherie and Raf to the interchange. I began to double think. My heart was aching, i could feel that even my internals were afraid. I felt like i didnt want to move, because i didnt want to see how the night would end up.

A couple of years ago, in primary school, lightning flashed past me and my friend probably 3-5cm's across our face. I see all these cars driving past me, and im thinking they're so safe, i wish i was in one right now. So i begin to walk slowly, i see a taxi, and im thinking, i could, but then, i felt like saying no to my consience. I decided to test my faith. I'll walk even though im scared, i'll move foward even though im mentally crippled. God's with me, he doesnt want me to die, thats the Devils doing, making me contradict myself. And so i thought back. I've certainly encountered many near death experiences. And if i've survived, its only because my purpose is not yet fullfilled.

I dont know what it is, but maybe the people i save might. Maybe a sermon in church might reach me deeply, maybe what i experience will allow me to understand what it is im searching for. Maybe i'll live longer to dream out my unanswered questions. Maybe an Angel might fall from the sky and land in my backyard. So i just wanted to say. Faith is really all we have that connects us with our spiritual self and the Holy Spirit. Maybe i was suppose to walk home and face the fear i've been trying to avoid. Maybe next year is it. So why do i feel like im gonna live no matter what happens? This is a very typical question, but, if you had one wish, what would it be? If you dont have a blogster, or anything, you should create one just to answer my lame questions. Im just curious. Mine would be time travel. I'll explain why another time. But if you do think of something, interesting or not, i'd appreciate your effort. My hearts thumping normal again. It's safe, and its 1.23am. Nobodys online.

He definiatly reigns over the skies.

Friday, August 28, 2009

COMMS 1054

Nonverbal Communication – Short essay

Organizations involve a group of people who interact together to accomplish an overall, common goal or set of goals (Free Management Library, Authenticity Consulting, LLC, 2009). Communication plays a major role within any type of organization; an organization can be majorly affected by friendly gesture or a handshake. 65% of communications are nonverbal; which indicate a majority of internal affairs are caused by nonverbal communication and that it plays a major role in the success of any organization (Crossman, Bordia & Bretag, 2009). Nonverbal and verbal communication both form a relationship in which an expression of verbal language, comes along with a nonverbal component (Robbins, 2000). Nonverbal communication within a workplace contains many factors which influence the way communication is interpreted. Occasionally, the transmitter who performs the actions, do not recognise the messages they are sending, as nonverbal communication comes naturally. Due to globalization many different types of cultures, genders, age, ethnicity and religions are entering the workplace. It is of great importance to understand how to interpret nonverbal communication and how to respond to it.

The most obvious form of nonverbal communication is physical factors which may include appearance, characteristic, body shape, and odours. Physical factors in the work place include first impression and occasionally trust. For example, a customer receiving a bad impression from an employee may not offer the chance for another impression. Physical factors are used for listeners to see a speaker’s credibility (Krizan, Merrier & Jones, 2005). For example employees within any organizations have a dress code, employees must follow a standard or guidelines that will explain what dress and grooming practices are appropriate for the workplace. The purpose for implementing these standards is to provide a professional, identifiable appearance for customers, to promote a positive working environment and to ensure safety while working (Personal Policy Service.Inc, 2009).

Physicals factors may contribute to an employee’s potential and position. For example, if we compare an attractive woman with no work experience with an unattractive woman with little work experience for a job position to a male employer. In some cases the unattractive woman would be employed, however in other cases, the attractive woman may be employed because of her physical features. Employing on physical factors may impact the organisation negatively, having a bad reputation or no potential growth because the organisation chose to employ based on physical factors regardless of their experience as explained in the example.

Physical factors also influence and contribute to another nonverbal communication within the workplace, haptic communication (touch behaviour). This is described as stroking, hitting, holding, guiding, and other touching behaviours, and may cause serious dilemmas (Dwyer, 2009). Haptic communication can be easily mistaken, misinterpreted, and misunderstood, as the form of communication can be expressed in different ways and may possess several meanings. For example, a gesture such as a handshake can be expressed as gratitude, dominance or equality while a pat on the arm can be interpreted as feeling controlled (Dwyer, 2009). A misconception involving haptic communication within the workplace may leave a bad impression if the transmitter is unaware of his actions between the receivers, it may be resolved in some cases and in others, have serious consequences.

The impact of globalization has lead many cultures into the workplace. Different cultures share different beliefs and values, it is important to understand these values as haptic communication is transmitted and received differently in every culture. Some cultures contain different levels of contact behaviour and others may not use any contact behaviour at all indicating that physical contact is inappropriate in that culture. Statistics indicate that German, Japanese, and English citizens have a lower level of touch than those citizens within the Middle East (Crossman, Bordia & Bretag, 2009). For example, some Asian cultures have a strong belief that contact behaviour is a disrespectful manner and interpret it rudely, while people in India see touching behaviour as a polite manner and use it commonly. It is common for men in India to hold hands as a sign of friendship. In a workplace where an employee uses touch as an expression to touch a fellow employee who has a cultural background that disregards touch may cause the transmitter to feel unaccepted or ignored. However the transmitter may also influence the receiver to feel uncomfortable or violated. It is now common that a majority of work environments are multicultural and that each culture has its own conflicts, therefore it is important to learn the culture and understand how to avoid unnecessary dilemmas and prevent conflict from arising within the workplace.

One form of misinterpreting haptic communication may lead to a misconception of sexual harassment. In almost every organisation, there are guidelines and rules that emphasize on touching. In some cases, reports of sexual harassment indicate that victims receive mixed signals from the suspect, which may simply be a misunderstanding of one’s culture. Therefore in some organisations touching is limited to reduce claims of sexual harassment.
In regards to limiting touch, proxemics is described as an individual’s use of space. It is described as the length that an individual uses to conduct and to maintain a conversation and may be limited to the relationship the individuals share. Hall’s distance model explains that, with loved ones proxemics contain a length of 0.60m, with close friends a length of 1-2m, with strangers a length of 3.3metres and more (Cited Mohan, Mc Gregor, Saunders & Archee, 1997).

It is ideal that every individual has their own level of personal space. Different cultures, gender, age, colour, may contribute to different proportions of length between individuals. Statistics indicate that women communicating with men prefer side-by-side conversations, while men prefer face-to-face conversations (Clark, 2005).

Consequently, many forms of communication are conducted within the workplace verbally and nonverbally. Physical factors, haptic, and proxemics are a small proportion of the factors involved in nonverbal communication that were discussed. It is evident from the examples that physical appearance, touching behaviour and cultural beliefs, and personal space all contribute to an organization either positively or negatively. Managers within organisations need to take a closer look into nonverbal communication to prevent any unnecessary disputes and to maintain a friendly work environment as it may impact the organisation internally and externally.

Words: 1035.

Pretty interesting stuff hey?

Who do i save now?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Fascinations #1.

Things that Fascinate me. So i thought i'd try something new, instead of doing my everyday blogging, heres what i can sum up.

- I get fascinated when i've purchase a new beverage or solid consumable i've never tasted. I like to call it " the first time effect" its priceless. The first bite will ironically positively always have the best taste. It's like tasting all the colors of the rainbow, which isnt very much. And then the next time you purchase the same consumable, you dont get the fascination you had the previous time, and it goes on and on til it tastes yucky.

Oreo's on the other hand, might be one exception. I keep spelling "Oreo's" as "Orea's" I made the same error twice in the first sentence and thought i'd point it out. I wonder if Oreo's (Almost did it again) have special enzymes which get you addicted. Seriously, i could savage on Oreo's (did it again) all day, its only when my gums begin to hurt from the substance it's made off that i stop. I say whoever invented Oreo's is a hero. I'm yet to try dipping it in milk, infact im craving for oreo's now. On the topic of oreo's, If anybody whats to do something stupid (fun) and race me on a packet of 6 Oreo's im willing to take the challenge, i'll buy 2 mini packets and we can settle our differences. Challenge me, i dare you.

You Know what else fascinates me? lollies. That's right, we all know what im talking about. Those little mineral substances we all love to consume, and they say its bad for our health. My mum tells me i consume too many of them minerals, i tell her im taking proteins. Glucose is classified as a protein molecule right? You biologists would know. So recently i've developed quite an obsession and addiction towards "Star burst - Snakes". The reason i point this out is because, everytime i walk past a "woolies" or a "coles" i think starburst! The obsession is wanting to buy it, and the addiction is trying to stop beveraging.

Im sure, we've all reached a stage where the lollies (Proteins) we consumed become tasteless and unbearable. And then theres this unexplained biology that occurs. We continue to consumbe the proteins til its all gone. You know that feeling where your mouth feels yucky, and it tastes like overdose of suger molecules all over, and your production of saliva isnt sufficient to breakdown them molecules? yeh, i get that everytime i eat starburst. It bothers me that i've become a self abusive being, not really, the after taste in the mouth does. It's like alcohol abuse, but the opposite effect, we get high, they get drunk. So yeh, they're the two i'd like to point out for today.

Monday, August 24, 2009

United we are. (:

haha so i've just read Vinces Blog, and to be honest, it motivated me to blog. I kind have forgotten why i was blogging in the first place, it wasnt to tell everyone how sucky or how much fun my life was. It was a way to express my feelings, so that people around me who've noticed wouldnt need to ask. I've decided to change my font, i'll be sticking with "Courier" from now on, because i feel like a changed person. I've definiatly been facing one of the most hard/confusing month of this year. I havnt been able to do anything right, and if your thinking of counteracting my verdict, that bringing a couple of new people to church isnt right, then im wrong because it is right. But, what i find hard to express is that, i havn't been able to do anything right for myself for a while.

I'm not sure whats happening, but i do remember saying, i'd never end up like that, and here i am, spending my life doing nothing, getting no where, whining over my own faults, and finding excuses. Today i realised how unhealthy i was, i've been telling myself to fix my health, and yet i'm up right now blogging. I promise i'll eat more vegitables, i'll drink more water, i'll take propper meals, i'll sleep casually, and i'll find a cure for this "There's no way out Syndrome".

Vince mentioned the fact that family can mean more than friends. I've said that a couple of times to many people and i stand by that verdict. I dont get the support i need from family, i dont get the motivation from family, today i felt so bad, i didnt even want to go out and get dinner because my mum was sitting in the loungeroom, i didnt want to be seen by her, i didnt want to see the reflection of me in her eyes. I've become such a let down to everybody, and even though its unintentional, i blame myself for not being able to keep or fullfill my promises and expecations. I hate myself for letting others down. I've been really sick this week, and everybody comes to me for help, biology, accounting, business, emotional comfort, why God doesnt love me, family conflicts, relationship difficulties, and probably alot more. Dont get me wrong, i love making people feel better about themselves, i like being there for them, but sometimes, i need time out, and it may seem like im ignoring you, or just being rude, its not that i am. It's just that i dont want to tell everyone my problems, i just what Vince says, need someone to confide with. So if i dont tell you why im not myself, its because i've already told someone else.

Like how you elaborate your entire day in detail so much as to not bore the person your telling, you just dont want to put that effort again in telling someone else. It's tiring, especially when your down. Sometimes i feel like i'm a hero, sometimes i feel human. I love giving, but i hate putting in the effort, i'd feel good for the day, but when the time comes again, it's hard to convince myself to put in the effort. My main motivation is to not let them down.

Last night i had a dream, to be honest, i still think about why i gave some people up. last night, you were mysteriously missing, and i had found your phone and wallet. To be honest i couldnt get over how much i dislike you now. I felt two sides of me, one was trying to find clues and the other was just saying, dont do it. You kinda feel responsible because its your dream. Anyway the dream was more stronger, i really felt my emotions split two ways, as if i am slowly becoming 2 individuals. I've never been able to seperate my mind from my heart, its just always been my heart overruling. My emotions always come first, for the first time in 10months, i've put my mind first and always neglected my feelings and how i've felt. It's lead me to all this stress and confusement, it's messed up my time frame and everything else i was suppose to be. I gues some people are the heart and some are the mind, and im the heart. I shouldnt try to be somebody else, it'll never work.

So from now on, im going to revert back, no more brain telling me what i should do and why i shouldnt do it. When you start making time for a habbit gone bad, you know you've got an addiction. And right now, i have a really bad addiction draining my time. This is my only conclusion, if i cant fix myself by following what i've always felt, im gonna be one lost little boy. Vince would know what i mean, maybe he doesnt, Cherie probably does, Sarah knows, and maybe 1 or 2 more who knows.

I was reading Vinces blog a while ago, and i feel like i was suppose to be the one who should have been sent back, i sometimes day dream about myself escaping this time and place. I need some time off. It's also occured to me that the people who really need savings are those who cause trouble. I'm not a trouble making, im just a trouble finder. 3 times this week, i've almost gotten myself in a fight with 3 seperate bogan groups. All out numbering me, and there i am, not avoiding the situation, but embracing it as it comes. I'm supose to save people. I remember a couple of times, when i caught the bus, this lady yelled at me and told me to put my feet off the chair, she said was a rude little boyand that my mum failed in rasing me up. In my mind i got really frustrated, i was emotionally distressed that week, but instead, gues what i did to her? I prayed for her in the bus, ofcourse in my mind, i wouldnt have wanted to go near her, she'd bite me. So i prayed for her, and then i looked to the left with a smile on my face, and her expression was still the same, the "I'm gonna stab you" face.

I ended up going to town, getting off the same stop with her. But that was the last of it. So yeh, thats my emotions for the day. And Jeremy, that guy, to think he was there when it all started.

Fudgsticles, Pheobe jsut messaged me on msn saying she was heading to bed, and i said goodnight, now i forgot what i was gonna blog next. Anyway, so im trying to get past the stage where im selecting who i want to save. To be honest, my hearts telling me to save alot of people, but i feel like my minds reasoning with it. Some of the people i've brought to Christ talk to me about how they feel and their spiritual sense. Sometimes i feel like im doing wrong letting them know im going weak. I feel strong when im there, but then i feel weak when im here. I dont want my subordinates to feel like im going to disband them or like i wont bebale to support them.

Well thats as far my emphasis can go. I need to hit the hay, and sleep casually again. It's also occured to me that, you dont need to meet new people to save them. You just need a couple of accessories. For instance, Janice started talking to me because of my tiger hat, and i'm planning to save her. I gues God does send people my way. Another friend i wont mention because they'd kill me if i did, tends to talk to me about they're emotions and how unloved they feel, and they dont believe in God, but blames God for their life. I'm working on that person too. There will always be people we want to save, and some are harder than others, some are probably next to impossible.

Yet even though when i'm told i cant, or its not possible, or theres no other possible outcome, i still feel like i can. I'll still try, because my faith tells me otherwise, and i truly believe "We only go as far as our faith goes". God is a miracle, his existence is a miracle for us, so miracles happen with God, and with God anything is possible, so if my faith is able to change one of the impossibles, anything is possible, and i may not have done anything to help, but to be honest, there was a time where i thought it'd be impossible for Cherie to feel so vulnerable with her faith. And that made me think, we're not impossible, nothing is, because we're all possible, i could fall anytime and be subdued by the devil. I mean those people who need saving are possible and its possible for us Saviours of Christ to fall too.

Well that taught me that my faith was weak. I shouldt have thought that she was that strong, like you know how you come to a conclusion and then you just stop thinking because its the answer. So you dont need to think anymore. It was like that, oh yeh these girls are solid as a rock, they're arnt gonna crack, so you stop believing in them sort of. Well you know what i mean, but then it happend, and your not sure how to approach the matter and stuff. Well yeh, i dont want any of the people im bringing to Christ to think i'm gonna fall because of all the crap i've gone through and how i choose to live my life. I use my personal experience as comforts to others, i laugh at myself, it makes them feel better. My life is a joke, but one that makes sense.

So we're all capable of falling, but from now on i wont think that anybody is solid, i'll have faith in people. Vince im gonna refer to you for this, because we're not with you to influence you, and because im not there to inspire you, i have faith in you. Your mine now, I want to take responsibility if you stuff up, but you wont because, my mind set has changed. We're quite similar you and i, more than we could agree on. But thats the truth.

I think, im gonna write up a list of names of the people i want to save and amaze myself at why i chose them and avoid others. I want to save everybody really, i just need to convince myself. We go as far as our faith goes, believing goes along way. I remember telling Zoe about a guardian angel i had or felt i had last year, and to be honest, i totally forgot about him/her. Until Janice asked me something, and i told her about the same dream i always use to have when i was sick and then i'd get better. What happend to him/her? was it because i stopped having faith? I forgot about you.

It's like one of those fantasy, you beat fantasy by not believing in it. Well thats enough for now, im gonna continue my regular basis of blogging everything and nothing. Good night Adelaide <3>

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Im lost again. >.<

So i'm thinking of working, but not sure where. If anybody reading this has any recommendations, i'd be glad to hear it. I have two days of uni and 5days off a week, im getting lazy and irresponsible, i need to work and want to be more responsible for my age. Im thinking of something to do with food, waitress, cleaner, something that has a nice outfit and doesnt get boring.

I'll be honest again, i somehow, slightly feel like my faith is slipping, like not so strong as it use to be, its still there, im still trying to save others, praying and occasionally reading my bible, but something makes me feel like it's not enough. I know, if anything i should be growing deeper and stronger, seeing as i've just brought someone new to Christ, but, thats not how im feeling. I want to feel more responsible. I'm going to try something new tommorow, im going to sit down in the sun, and think about where my life is going, where i'll want to be in a few years time, what i'll be doing, will i be content, do i want to follow my career?

I'm at the stage where i've lost all motivation, simply because i no longer have a reason to do anything, i need a goal, something to look foward too. Somewhere to go, a path to follow. Im so very uncertain that i want to be an accountant, which is why i've become so lazy. Chruch and Oxygen has been my escape, but i think i really need to face this and get back on track. Im wasting time, valuable time. I wish i had a study partner, in the same course, so i wouldnt have to do every group assignmnet by myself, study by myself and when i dont understand, or leave notes behind, someone would magically have them with them.

I need a new best friend, a uni best friend. I'm not very good at making friends unless its coming from their end. I'll try to befriend somebody i think would be nice to hang with, and the ammount of effort/time put in does not get rewarded. However when others do it, its more successful.

Yesterday i had a dentist appointment at 3 o clock. I went there exactly on time, coughed and they sent me home with a mask and detol. I'll post a picture of it tommorow. So i've got the common flu, or swine flu, i dont feel so special, everybody has it now. Apparently there has been 29 deaths in south australia regarding the outbreak.

Something doesnt feel right, i dont feel right, i dont feel like blogging these days. Im not sure why, so many things i want to blog about and talk about, but i cant find myself to blog it. Sometimes i feel like im alone, like im being neglected. I'd walk out of my room, andy would be watching television, and when i look at my mum, she'll have this look in her eyes as if i've done something wrong. And it bothers me, alot. I feel like im dissapointing her somehow, like i've lost control of my life. So maybe i feel like im a dissapointment. But i feel really out of it in this family. Maybe because im the only Christian and i get really tensed when they challenge my decisions. I feel like i have no support. I feel like i dont have any say in this family, like i'd be trying to talk or bring up something and someone will just talk louder, and i'd just give up. I'm like the inside voice, the voice that doesnt matter.

It's true, my family has been bringing me down lately. I know that they love me and all, especially my grandma. She's awsome, i love her to bits. And i know sometimes things dont go well. But she gives me the most support, and somewhat always gives me the most attention. She always backs me up, and argues for me when i've given up. So i'm not feeling entirely confident, and comfortable with my lifestyle at the moment. It's somehow flickering with my faith. Sometimes i try to see through things, try to ignore it, but once things have been said, they're not forgotten. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes i get teary, sometimes i just take it, but everytime its like a slow incision, you can cover it up, but it'll soak through.

I wish my family was more family like. Suportive, loving, respectful and motivational. I actually thought back today, more like everyday. Where did it all go wrong? i've only ever come up with one answer that fits a majority of the criteria's. And even if it is the right answer, theres the fact of accepting it, i dont want that to be the reason why i've fudged up, because it doesnt seem reasonable. My mums happy, Andy happy with his life, Michaels happy, my grandma seems happy, so why am i not? I have awsome friends, i have fun, i have a great lifestyle here. Yet i feel incomplete.

Uni is scaring the crap out of me at the moment. Im sick, was sent home by doctors this week and need to get a sick certificate. The whole process of growing up is freaking me out. Last year i went for walks at night to clear up my head, this year i procrastinate on msn. blah blah blah i'll try not to complain about my family anymore, theres too much on my mind and theres a neverending list. The other day i was talking to my dog about Jesus and how he gave his life for us, im not sure why, but i felt like it, Daisy is one of us now, shes family. And although animals are more like sacrafices, i want Daisy to go to heaven if that sounds silly. Today my mum came home and said, hey! do you guys want to give Daisy away? and we all yelled out no! why would you want to do that? and my mum said, i dont want to see her die.

She's just a dog, but i'll be really upset if she dies, shes 10 years old this year. Sometimes i look at her and it makes me think. She just walks around the garden, eating junkfood, and shes always happy. She sleeps all day, gets excited when we come outside, she always comes to us even when we hurt her, she must love us that much. And thats probably why dogs are the most loyal creatures. It'll be hard to replace her. She's gotten hit by cars about 5 times and survived, i've ran after her so many times, carried her home. Smacked her for running out, and within the next minute she'll be all jumpy and hypo at my knees. How is it that a dog has so much love that it can just ignore any pain you've given it?

I'm thinking too much, its night, im sick, should probably head to bed soon. If i was on optus, Sarah would beable to call me now. i'm not sure what else to say, i think im going to head to bed now and maybe blog more about how lost i feel. I dont blame God one bit. I'm content with the life style his given me, it'll just take time i gues. And i know he loves me, he loves us all, i wish i could really have a conversation with him. I want another spiritual encounter.

God bless, good night adelaide. <3

Monday, August 17, 2009

I miss this. (:

I have to admit, im getting quite out of the habbit of blogging. But then i just found out so many of my friends read my blogs, including guys, which i never expected. So i think what i'll do is, not blog as frequent but blog what people dont know about me, rather then blog what people already know for instant this blog is going to be about bU and saturday night, where some friends already know what happened, but im gonna do blog it anyway because i owe you guys a big one.

Friday night was bU, thats right "Be you!" i'll skip to the chase, no i did not modle, i can only blame myself, i got cold feet, it wasnt Genials fault. Next year i will for sure, because Sarah is going to come and watch. And i surely wont be doing it alone, I'd expect Melissa and Elysia and Genial and all the girls to be modeling too, however i dont think thats going to be the case. bU was a fabulous night, we had so many people, i think just over 2500-3000. It was a very inconvenient day, but i'll see past that because Sarah finally came to church, and also Janice someone i've been working on for a couple of months now.

I remember watching the fashion parade with Sarah, we'd be like oh my God! that dress is so pretty and beautiful! i'd so wear that if i was a girl! oh my God! its so sparkly, wow! that black dress is so cute! wow! look at all those layers! oh my God! its Melissa! wooooo! quick quick! take photo! after bU i was saying to Sarah, hey, howcome i didnt see Elysia? and it turned out Elysia was wearing that very prettiful sparkly dress that we couldnt take our eyes off. Ended up having seats way at the back because we couldnt decide who to sit with and who to ditch, me and Sarah sat together and i thought i'd call Wei jung and Vi to sit with us, so i did, and Wei jungs pamphlet thing won a $100 gift voucher after the announcement, but it was on the seat she was sitting at before she moved with us. We gazed over and saw this white girl screaming woooo! and waving it like it rightfully belongs to her, which it does haha.

After bU we saw so many pretty girls, like honestly, so many cute/pretty girls, asian too! i wanted to take a picture with this girl who was wearing the "Ace of Hearts" but she left and my phone died. We decided to hang in the guest room with Vanta, Raf and the girls, messing around and half trying to talk to them about God. Ended up spilling coffee on myself and having whack conversations and taking mass photoes which was fun. Ended up meeting Janice and and her group of friends, and seeing Genial with May and her korean friend. I wont go there. The Chocolate mouse was so nice! Also! i was saying to Sarah, geez Sarah you make me look like a noob, we got all these people coming up to us thinking we're new people, but i just wanted to show Sarah around, but then the others came in, so we just hung around in there, i liked the guy who gave me water melon, he was epic "Tigers eat pine apple" was what he said. That made my day more epic.

Wei jung decided to give us a lift home which lifted my mood. Although i wanted to stay back and chat more. Btw Melizza and Elysia and everybody else who modeled you guys did a fantastic job. So saturday was Wei jungs birthday, we went to hot pot and decided to go clubbing after. She picked me up with Vi and we sung "Mr Brightside" in the car, which was epic, i always wanted to do singing in the car like the 70's show. We'll do that when i drive. But yeh we went to hot pot, ate so much seriously, had to eat $22 worth of food, i think i ate around $40 worth, not as much as i thought i would. shame. Vi kept going, like far out, viet pride man, and Wen-Xian kept going too! they ate so much and non stop! was nice to see everybody again. We ended up eating there from 7pm til 10pm and decided to go to "London" which is a night club. On the way there these bogans started a fight with me.

So the group walked off first and i was left by myself, i didnt know where they went or where london was, so i just randomly decided to go to rundle mall. These bogans a couple of metres down, started saying "fuckin asians! Immagrants! go back to your country! hahahah!" and i was like man i wana take a picture with this guy who was in a gigantic dog costume. Vi and Wei jung came down and found me, while the bogans were like "you fucking asians!" take a picture with me!" and i was like man that guys off his head. He came up to me and put his arm around me, i didnt expect him to do anything stupid, atleast i was on alert. He then began to tense his arms and i was like this fucking wanker is trying to hurt me, so i got angry and grabbed his arms and pushed it away, breaking free, i think he was shocked that i was able to get out, he pushed me into the door and started yelling "c'mon! you wana fight! lets go!" and i was like "FUCK YOU! and was about to swing at him, but then his friends were like "shit!" oi let it go, and he was like fuck you kunt! i got so pissed off, but knew i shouldnt have started trouble. I wasnt in the right crowd where they could back me up if i was in a fight, they're my high school friends, people that are more intellect than physical strength.

Im quite glad i was with them though, because if i was with my other friends who raid clubs, it would have gotten physical. I hate racism, specially towards me, and i hate people who unexpectivly make me have a change of heart. So his friends broke it off and i walked off, the group was just staring, and i was thinking, nah i cant blame them, they'd only get hurt. Ended up going clubbing at London, they had awsome music, i bought a Yaega bomb, however you spell it, its red bull with Vodka, quite nice. Danced for a bit, some girls tried to sell us Vodka in a tube. And took more photoes, then me and Le and Kevin went to the Casino, watched some people gamble, Kevin won $50 on black jack. and bought us late dinner with fish and chips, was awsome! Ended up bumping into Qouc who was out for his birthday, which was awsome. So we went out, all decided to leave and go home, on the way to Le's car, i found a gold watch.

Got home at 1:30am, Saw Cherie online and turned out she was randomly baking at 1:30 in the morning? That day just continued to get more random. It was epic until my brother dced me... so i went to sleep, had 4 hours sleep a totaly of 6 hours sleep in 2 days, which is why im probably sick. Was suppose to go to Uni open day, and art gallery with Jeremy but my sickness got worse, so i stayed home. Oh and the cake thing, Vi cooked cupcakes, chocolate ones, which looked really nice, unfortunatley i didnt get to try them because everybody ate them all and gave good remarks. Was a very interesting and fun night.

Here are some photoes. (:

This was when Vince was still here, i miss moment like theses. >.<

At hot pot, Me Vi and Jung.

The Gold watch i found the brand starts with "J" its an exspensive brand i believe.

Me trying to take a picture of lightning at 1am

Eating Hot pot, first time i ate it with friends apart from when Cherie and Sarah came over.

Vi's Chocolate cupcakes, everybody said it was unbelievably delicious.

A picture of all the cupcakes, i didnt get one, but i knew it was gonna be epic, it had orea's, i love oreo's, is it just me, or am i too easily satisfied lol

I'll be honest, i was sick and didnt want to take a photo, so Jung said cover your mouth, it wasnt suppose to be a pose like this, im not a poser. (:

bU 09. Havnt seen other photoes, but i like this one.

Monday, August 10, 2009


The only limit is your imagination... well im fucked.

no! your a rock! im a paper!

Oh Crapsicles! i forgot about my Monday blog, i fail myself. My excuse was i heard thunder outside maybe i shouldnt. I continue to amaze myself, my laziness never ceases to amaze me, grow up Peter, need to account for responsibilities now. Must sleep at 12am tonight and wake for 9am lecture tommorow to make up for laziness and study! No more games, must study this week, get a D for my test and then chill and maybe get some nice food. *-*

Saturday, omg, Jungs gonna read this and be like wtf! Peter! and Vi's gonna read this and be like your unbelievable! and Jeremy is going to read this (i kid) and be like dude! where are you!? See if i go to Jungs, i get to see people i dont see often and spend alot of money on food and clubbing. And if Jeremy does something for his 18th, i might go there seeing as his my only white friend, and i like his company. And then theres Buddha bar at 9:30pm with David and his crew. And bU which im definiatly not going seeing as its girls night. I think what i'll do is, see who will be most angry at me then go to that one >.<"

Birthday presents, seriously, girls and presents what the heck do they want? The cooking competition, oh im so fudged, how do i make a cake with no ingredients! i must prepare better. Lets see Jung has her P's now, so she may beable to drive me home if i go with her. I wish presents were as easy as commercials where you jsut get them chocolate and they go all happy. I gues they cant be bought so cheap unlike us guys. Jungs has more people i know, more im comfortable with, oh heck, i'll just rock paper sciccors.

Today i sat here thinking whether i should touch my homework, i dosed off for an hour and then ate left overs from last night, Jacky came over and chatted for abit. I got a letter from centre link asking me to come for a interview, oh man i hate centre link, they need to back off, im a citiczen, a legit one man. I also managed to finnish the book i was reading, one more book to go. Term 3 is running so fast! how am i suppose to keep the pace up!

ah, i'll leave it all to chance again. I just had a whack thought, i wonder if its possible to make deals with the Holy Spirit, or maybe the devils deceiving me. bU friday night! and im bringing someone new! weeooooo! anyway Qouc wants to DOTA now, so im going to leave it here, and maybe procrastinate/tease him abit. Oh and btw, the search for Madeliene has come to Australia, i've been following the links ever since 2004/05 its amazing, i still somehow have a hunch that her parents were unethically involved in some activities. Apparently there has been some sightings, i want to go on a Madeliene hunt. that would be epic, anyway, i've just come up with more topics to procrastinate about, unfortunately i have to go. bye bye.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

You were suppose to run. >.<

You Know whats a real let down? When you pray for something so much, and used the power of expectation as with the power of belief. I did that, i honestly believed that some miracle would happen in the last minute before he boarded that plane. I told him, a miracle is sure to happen, im confident. Dont worry, something might happen, and as i said those words, i really felt so strongly that something was certain to happen. Prayed for it in my sleeps, heck last night i dreamp Vince was hear, i was sleeping and he pushed me off my bed and i was like oi! watre you doing!? T___T
and then i found out it was a dream. I believed, i didnt feel the holy spirit come through, i tried to make it come through, but you just dont know what you're doing. You dont know what to feel nor expect.

I kept thinking, something is going to happen any moment now. Nothing happened. Did i not expect enough? Did i not believe enough? Was my faith too weak? Were my prayers wrong? Did i not mean it? Were they just words? Was it meant to be? I even told him to jsut not take the flight and let immigration come after him, something whack might happen, perhaps a miracle. So how am i suppose to expect that he'll come back? His not coming back this september, he was suppose to for his 18th, because we wanted him back, how is that not enough? im done for now, this doesnt mean my faith has gone weak, its just i dont like it.

Yeah! epicness! :D

Yesterday, was quite friggen awsome! Today was half as good, stupid mum cussing at my driving... i swear i looked both ways, there was no car so i turned T_T, suai zai! ai si ha!? bo tou ju ke! si nao giao! MUM! i looked okay... geez if it wasnt safe, i wouldnt have turned, you need more trust in me... blah blah blah, "your learning, dont talk back!" Precisly! im learning, not like im able to go back and show you i looked both ways, you were dozing off, not my fault. "Yeh well where are you looking?! girlfriend ha? no, i study with her." Si nao giao, bai hou le drive next time... jeez, i looked okay, just leave it.

Yep, same old rambles everytime, Qouc taught me how to push the handbrakes down, and i learn how to reverse of qouc. yeah! i also learn blind spots from almost crashing, and learnt how to park myself, my only doubt is the level of confidence while im on the road. I'd be driving and i see red lights, id be checking out the rear mirror of the person behind me, seeing what they're doing, and then looking at my speed themometre however you spell that, and checking the side mirrors. And then i'd slow down every now and again because you cant trust the road, what you see isnt always the case lol. So i got to drive to town and back with so much nagging and cussing. Next time im bringing my mp3. >.<"

Friday, August 7, 2009

Im unbelievable. *-*

I'd Just like to share that Vi said im Unbelievable. (:
Here i'll show you how unbelievable i am. (:

She didn't realised i made her sick rofl.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A list of misses.

I miss Vince. (:
I miss high school.
I miss Youth.
I miss chinese School.
I miss basketball.
I miss late night karaokes.
I miss being a little boy again.
I miss having a girlfriend
I miss kindey.
I miss my family.
I miss my rabbit (Twig).
I miss Biology.
I miss cheap bus tickets.
I miss junk food.
I miss random rambo's.
I miss long/random msn conversations.
I miss baby chickens (Sparky).
I miss playing toys with my brothers.
I miss playing video games together.
I miss going to the library to study for exams.
I miss that little boy (Christopher).
I miss going yabbying.
I miss teasing Sarah and Wen-Yi.
I miss riding my bycicle.
I miss playing world of warcraft with Raf.
I miss last years church camp.
I miss Camp one oh nine.
I miss worship.
I miss my social life.
I miss playing poker.
I miss teasing people with people.
I miss art.
I miss drawing anime.
I miss going in overaged coloring competitions.
I miss raging and procrastinating online to randoms.
I miss playing my guitar.
I miss my Sony Ericson W90i.
I miss last year.
I miss Chau's Catering.
I miss movie marathons.
I miss korean drama's.
I miss handball.
I miss chasey.
I miss hide and seek.
I miss my Goldfish (Sharky).
I miss the land before time.
I miss long car trips.
I miss family events.
I miss small arguements.
I miss bed time stories.
I miss watching television.
I miss talking really long on the home phone.
I miss phone calls.
I miss smsing.
I miss going fishing.
I miss crabbing.
I miss alcohol.
I miss breakdancing.
I miss swimming lessons.
I miss oragami.
I miss making oragami stars.
I miss folding paper cranes.
I miss driving.
I miss late nights in rundle.
I miss family photoes.
I miss hiking.
I miss eating steak at Najarrs cafe.
I miss going to viet/math school.
I miss eating at maccas.
I miss playing pokemon.
I miss Zelda.
I miss playing in the playgrounds.
I miss morning excercise.
I miss whack imaginations.
I miss singing in the mirror.
I miss chasing my dog (Daisy)
I miss sitting on Santa's lap and taking a photo.
I miss the museum.
I miss the Art gallery.
I miss primary school people.
I miss China.
I miss showing up late and having people laugh at me.
I miss ice skating.
I miss alot of people.
I miss the smell of BBQ's.
I miss Summer.
I miss some of my enemies.
I miss being the one nobody knows.
I miss almost everything.
I miss alot of things.
I probably even miss him. I dont think i do, but maybe.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I fail me.

I need to be honest with myself, i keep letting myself down. Why?! why!? why!? why must i take the easy route. I cant figure it out, i have the mind set, the confidence, the authority, yet im lacking some thing. I have the faith, the resoluton, the vision. But its not going into action! Im getting no where, i have to fix myself by Monday, otherwise i cant forgive myself. This is so stupid, so easy, so why cant i do it? Monday! Monday! i must try my best, must not give in to any temptations.

I promise myself Monday, please Peter dont let yourself down again, its embarassing for me and you. You dissapoint me these days. Whats gotten into you? you use to listen to me, you use to follow me, you use to see what i see, and then you went your own path believing you had a better perspective? If i cant do this you cant, so dont resist, otherwise we're both going down. And even if this fails, its better if one of us goes down than both of us in the procedure. Will you trust in me again? and not walk away to write your own story? These are just chapters of our story. You better not ditch me in the spurr of the moment again, otherwise there aint gonna be room in this body for you next time. Either your in or your out.

C'mon, i can do this. I can catch this, i can reach this, i can match this, i can carry this, i can do it.
Your arrogance makes you naive.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The voice that called.

Fate is such a small word, yet its definition is magnificient. I wonder if i had done what God had asked me last year if all this would have been avoided, the lost of 4 lives, the pain of a friend, the deportment of a friend. Reality is im not responsible, however i am guilty. And now, im haunted by that one procedure i couldnt handle. I must admit, i really miss it, i miss those moments. With great power comes great responsibility, i was a signs child, i saw the side effects coming, i saw how much regret i'd have, but it wasnt enough, it wasnt enough to motivate my motives.

If all that wasnt enough, what would it take for me to do it? I made a new malaysian friend today. Shes quite nice, needs saving, but i dont think i can handle it, i dont think its possible. I use to believe in myself, i use to express what i want, and now its all codes. Right now i can hear Cherie's and Cheryl's voices as they prayed for me at camp, i remember them emphasizing a point, but i cant remember which one.

Have you ever made the same mistake twice? i have, and it was unexpected. Now, have you ever tried to expect or anticipate the same mistake to avoid it? You dont know what your avoiding, so you take it one small step at a time, just waiting to recongnise the moment before it strikes. I would like to believe we are suppose to live life unexpectedly, because if we keep trying to expect the unexpected, then we will never be ready. Whereas if your not expecting anything, your ready for anything.

I've made up my mind, i need to pick up where i left off last year and catch up to the present. I never thought i'd come up with an answer, but i knew i had to get it back. And now that i have, its also clear why i needed it back. Even in my mind, i was afraid to think of a decision, afraid to even think of possiblilities between each option. I didnt want to face any, but, now that i have thouhgt of it, its time to move foward. If its what he wants, it'll all go well. If its just what i want, im gonna be screwed. But what fun doesnt involve a risk?

I feel like, i expected this, so i anticipated it before all this happened. I made it so i would be back where i started.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I think im a haemoglobin. :D

Something which i thought was quite funny. After Camp one oh nine, I was talking to Raf and Sovanta, and they were saying, wow Peter, just wow. and i was like ha? you scared? im not what you think i was hey? and they were like yeh totally, your like a totally different person, your Christian side is like a new person. And i was like what? you dont like it? and he was like no, its good, its good to see you from another perspective, i never thought you were yeh, just wow hahah.

They've seen my shadows and my reflection, i didn't think they'd get to see my Christian side, especially Raf. And Raf was comparing me with Adrian, saying howcome Adrian not like this? going drinking all the time and partying. I find it funny because alot of people havnt seen both my sides. Not even my closest of friends. (:
Just when you've figured someone out, they're not what you would expect.

Yesterday i went to watch public enemies with Vi and Jung. The movie was bad, i didnt like it one bit. Let down all my expectations. Anyway i ended up getting myself involved in a cooking competition, a Cheesecake one. So on the 15th of August im suppose to bake a cheesecake on the day and bring it to my friends house, and my opponent Vi is doing the same. But we're not cooking the same cake. haha it's time to put my cooking skills to work, not that i have any, however i have a tendency of having things go miraculously well whenever i get myself into tight circumstances like this. Or i could possibly contact Shanks and beg for help o.o mmmz i think keeping my dignity is a much healthier option, for now.

It's been a pleasent week, apart from the sickness, i quite enjoyed it, and i spoke to someone this week who made me half find myself. Im content. God bless.