Fate is such a small word, yet its definition is magnificient. I wonder if i had done what God had asked me last year if all this would have been avoided, the lost of 4 lives, the pain of a friend, the deportment of a friend. Reality is im not responsible, however i am guilty. And now, im haunted by that one procedure i couldnt handle. I must admit, i really miss it, i miss those moments. With great power comes great responsibility, i was a signs child, i saw the side effects coming, i saw how much regret i'd have, but it wasnt enough, it wasnt enough to motivate my motives.
If all that wasnt enough, what would it take for me to do it? I made a new malaysian friend today. Shes quite nice, needs saving, but i dont think i can handle it, i dont think its possible. I use to believe in myself, i use to express what i want, and now its all codes. Right now i can hear Cherie's and Cheryl's voices as they prayed for me at camp, i remember them emphasizing a point, but i cant remember which one.
Have you ever made the same mistake twice? i have, and it was unexpected. Now, have you ever tried to expect or anticipate the same mistake to avoid it? You dont know what your avoiding, so you take it one small step at a time, just waiting to recongnise the moment before it strikes. I would like to believe we are suppose to live life unexpectedly, because if we keep trying to expect the unexpected, then we will never be ready. Whereas if your not expecting anything, your ready for anything.
I've made up my mind, i need to pick up where i left off last year and catch up to the present. I never thought i'd come up with an answer, but i knew i had to get it back. And now that i have, its also clear why i needed it back. Even in my mind, i was afraid to think of a decision, afraid to even think of possiblilities between each option. I didnt want to face any, but, now that i have thouhgt of it, its time to move foward. If its what he wants, it'll all go well. If its just what i want, im gonna be screwed. But what fun doesnt involve a risk?
I feel like, i expected this, so i anticipated it before all this happened. I made it so i would be back where i started.