Saturday, August 29, 2009

Thumping backwards.

When you begin to hear foot steps other than yours, your heart thumps.
When you see shadows multiplying, you heart thumps.
And when the skies begin to flash dance, your heart thumps.

And it's not the kind of thump your use to, your hearts beating backwards, and it feels like a heart ache, similar but not the same. It's similar to the heart ache in a relationship, it's similar to the heart ache you feel when your excited.
But this one is darker, you feel fear stealthing into your heart, it begins to devour you, and you feel completely vulnerable.
It's growing in you, and your hearts thumping faster. You suddenly begin to think. And you come to a conclusion that, your times anytime.

Your walking under poles and tree's. The dance floor is eternal. Times ticking, and your thinking about your death. Dying at the door step, dying on the road. Dying alone.

Your hearts still thumping backwards, and the fear has reached your eyes. Your afraid. You feel like this, now, is your time.
And the fear that you've consumed suddenly begins to ripple. Your faith has come. And you begin to think, i'm not ready yet.
It's not worth it. The hard way is the only way. Your hearts thumping inwards again, and every minute you'd double think. You'd reassure yourself. This is what i want.You've reached your door step, and you thank God that you wern't alone.

I dont know what overcame me, but i felt like my time had come. I'll be honest, when i was a child, i remember having huge migrains which were apparently incurable. My faith healed me, indefiniatly. I spoke to God, perhaps made a deal. I told him, God, if your there, if you do exist, please cure me, give me a second chance. Let me live til im 20, or til im married, or have a family, or atleast 20. I promise i'll be a better person, i'll donate to the poor, i'll give food to the broken, i'll be nice to people, i'll be what you want, i'll help out, i'll go to church, i'll read the bible, i'll do anything. I woke up cured and happy. I had forgotten our conversation and the promise. Last year Cherie got me to church, and there was a sermon. Pastor Ashleigh was speaking, and my spine shivered on me, i suddenly remembered my promise. I slowly began to fullfill it, trying to become better than who i was. And so heres the truth. I'm sorta scared that maybe my time is next year. I'm feeling limited. When lightning was flashing infront of me tonight, i was so afraid, i wanted to call my mum to pick me up, i didnt want to wake her. I thought maybe i'll sit somewhere til the skies calm down. I was thinking why i didnt go with Cherie and Raf to the interchange. I began to double think. My heart was aching, i could feel that even my internals were afraid. I felt like i didnt want to move, because i didnt want to see how the night would end up.

A couple of years ago, in primary school, lightning flashed past me and my friend probably 3-5cm's across our face. I see all these cars driving past me, and im thinking they're so safe, i wish i was in one right now. So i begin to walk slowly, i see a taxi, and im thinking, i could, but then, i felt like saying no to my consience. I decided to test my faith. I'll walk even though im scared, i'll move foward even though im mentally crippled. God's with me, he doesnt want me to die, thats the Devils doing, making me contradict myself. And so i thought back. I've certainly encountered many near death experiences. And if i've survived, its only because my purpose is not yet fullfilled.

I dont know what it is, but maybe the people i save might. Maybe a sermon in church might reach me deeply, maybe what i experience will allow me to understand what it is im searching for. Maybe i'll live longer to dream out my unanswered questions. Maybe an Angel might fall from the sky and land in my backyard. So i just wanted to say. Faith is really all we have that connects us with our spiritual self and the Holy Spirit. Maybe i was suppose to walk home and face the fear i've been trying to avoid. Maybe next year is it. So why do i feel like im gonna live no matter what happens? This is a very typical question, but, if you had one wish, what would it be? If you dont have a blogster, or anything, you should create one just to answer my lame questions. Im just curious. Mine would be time travel. I'll explain why another time. But if you do think of something, interesting or not, i'd appreciate your effort. My hearts thumping normal again. It's safe, and its 1.23am. Nobodys online.

He definiatly reigns over the skies.

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