haha so i've just read Vinces Blog, and to be honest, it motivated me to blog. I kind have forgotten why i was blogging in the first place, it wasnt to tell everyone how sucky or how much fun my life was. It was a way to express my feelings, so that people around me who've noticed wouldnt need to ask. I've decided to change my font, i'll be sticking with "Courier" from now on, because i feel like a changed person. I've definiatly been facing one of the most hard/confusing month of this year. I havnt been able to do anything right, and if your thinking of counteracting my verdict, that bringing a couple of new people to church isnt right, then im wrong because it is right. But, what i find hard to express is that, i havn't been able to do anything right for myself for a while.
I'm not sure whats happening, but i do remember saying, i'd never end up like that, and here i am, spending my life doing nothing, getting no where, whining over my own faults, and finding excuses. Today i realised how unhealthy i was, i've been telling myself to fix my health, and yet i'm up right now blogging. I promise i'll eat more vegitables, i'll drink more water, i'll take propper meals, i'll sleep casually, and i'll find a cure for this "There's no way out Syndrome".
Vince mentioned the fact that family can mean more than friends. I've said that a couple of times to many people and i stand by that verdict. I dont get the support i need from family, i dont get the motivation from family, today i felt so bad, i didnt even want to go out and get dinner because my mum was sitting in the loungeroom, i didnt want to be seen by her, i didnt want to see the reflection of me in her eyes. I've become such a let down to everybody, and even though its unintentional, i blame myself for not being able to keep or fullfill my promises and expecations. I hate myself for letting others down. I've been really sick this week, and everybody comes to me for help, biology, accounting, business, emotional comfort, why God doesnt love me, family conflicts, relationship difficulties, and probably alot more. Dont get me wrong, i love making people feel better about themselves, i like being there for them, but sometimes, i need time out, and it may seem like im ignoring you, or just being rude, its not that i am. It's just that i dont want to tell everyone my problems, i just what Vince says, need someone to confide with. So if i dont tell you why im not myself, its because i've already told someone else.
Like how you elaborate your entire day in detail so much as to not bore the person your telling, you just dont want to put that effort again in telling someone else. It's tiring, especially when your down. Sometimes i feel like i'm a hero, sometimes i feel human. I love giving, but i hate putting in the effort, i'd feel good for the day, but when the time comes again, it's hard to convince myself to put in the effort. My main motivation is to not let them down.
Last night i had a dream, to be honest, i still think about why i gave some people up. last night, you were mysteriously missing, and i had found your phone and wallet. To be honest i couldnt get over how much i dislike you now. I felt two sides of me, one was trying to find clues and the other was just saying, dont do it. You kinda feel responsible because its your dream. Anyway the dream was more stronger, i really felt my emotions split two ways, as if i am slowly becoming 2 individuals. I've never been able to seperate my mind from my heart, its just always been my heart overruling. My emotions always come first, for the first time in 10months, i've put my mind first and always neglected my feelings and how i've felt. It's lead me to all this stress and confusement, it's messed up my time frame and everything else i was suppose to be. I gues some people are the heart and some are the mind, and im the heart. I shouldnt try to be somebody else, it'll never work.
So from now on, im going to revert back, no more brain telling me what i should do and why i shouldnt do it. When you start making time for a habbit gone bad, you know you've got an addiction. And right now, i have a really bad addiction draining my time. This is my only conclusion, if i cant fix myself by following what i've always felt, im gonna be one lost little boy. Vince would know what i mean, maybe he doesnt, Cherie probably does, Sarah knows, and maybe 1 or 2 more who knows.
I was reading Vinces blog a while ago, and i feel like i was suppose to be the one who should have been sent back, i sometimes day dream about myself escaping this time and place. I need some time off. It's also occured to me that the people who really need savings are those who cause trouble. I'm not a trouble making, im just a trouble finder. 3 times this week, i've almost gotten myself in a fight with 3 seperate bogan groups. All out numbering me, and there i am, not avoiding the situation, but embracing it as it comes. I'm supose to save people. I remember a couple of times, when i caught the bus, this lady yelled at me and told me to put my feet off the chair, she said was a rude little boyand that my mum failed in rasing me up. In my mind i got really frustrated, i was emotionally distressed that week, but instead, gues what i did to her? I prayed for her in the bus, ofcourse in my mind, i wouldnt have wanted to go near her, she'd bite me. So i prayed for her, and then i looked to the left with a smile on my face, and her expression was still the same, the "I'm gonna stab you" face.
I ended up going to town, getting off the same stop with her. But that was the last of it. So yeh, thats my emotions for the day. And Jeremy, that guy, to think he was there when it all started.
Fudgsticles, Pheobe jsut messaged me on msn saying she was heading to bed, and i said goodnight, now i forgot what i was gonna blog next. Anyway, so im trying to get past the stage where im selecting who i want to save. To be honest, my hearts telling me to save alot of people, but i feel like my minds reasoning with it. Some of the people i've brought to Christ talk to me about how they feel and their spiritual sense. Sometimes i feel like im doing wrong letting them know im going weak. I feel strong when im there, but then i feel weak when im here. I dont want my subordinates to feel like im going to disband them or like i wont bebale to support them.
Well thats as far my emphasis can go. I need to hit the hay, and sleep casually again. It's also occured to me that, you dont need to meet new people to save them. You just need a couple of accessories. For instance, Janice started talking to me because of my tiger hat, and i'm planning to save her. I gues God does send people my way. Another friend i wont mention because they'd kill me if i did, tends to talk to me about they're emotions and how unloved they feel, and they dont believe in God, but blames God for their life. I'm working on that person too. There will always be people we want to save, and some are harder than others, some are probably next to impossible.
Yet even though when i'm told i cant, or its not possible, or theres no other possible outcome, i still feel like i can. I'll still try, because my faith tells me otherwise, and i truly believe "We only go as far as our faith goes". God is a miracle, his existence is a miracle for us, so miracles happen with God, and with God anything is possible, so if my faith is able to change one of the impossibles, anything is possible, and i may not have done anything to help, but to be honest, there was a time where i thought it'd be impossible for Cherie to feel so vulnerable with her faith. And that made me think, we're not impossible, nothing is, because we're all possible, i could fall anytime and be subdued by the devil. I mean those people who need saving are possible and its possible for us Saviours of Christ to fall too.
Well that taught me that my faith was weak. I shouldt have thought that she was that strong, like you know how you come to a conclusion and then you just stop thinking because its the answer. So you dont need to think anymore. It was like that, oh yeh these girls are solid as a rock, they're arnt gonna crack, so you stop believing in them sort of. Well you know what i mean, but then it happend, and your not sure how to approach the matter and stuff. Well yeh, i dont want any of the people im bringing to Christ to think i'm gonna fall because of all the crap i've gone through and how i choose to live my life. I use my personal experience as comforts to others, i laugh at myself, it makes them feel better. My life is a joke, but one that makes sense.
So we're all capable of falling, but from now on i wont think that anybody is solid, i'll have faith in people. Vince im gonna refer to you for this, because we're not with you to influence you, and because im not there to inspire you, i have faith in you. Your mine now, I want to take responsibility if you stuff up, but you wont because, my mind set has changed. We're quite similar you and i, more than we could agree on. But thats the truth.
I think, im gonna write up a list of names of the people i want to save and amaze myself at why i chose them and avoid others. I want to save everybody really, i just need to convince myself. We go as far as our faith goes, believing goes along way. I remember telling Zoe about a guardian angel i had or felt i had last year, and to be honest, i totally forgot about him/her. Until Janice asked me something, and i told her about the same dream i always use to have when i was sick and then i'd get better. What happend to him/her? was it because i stopped having faith? I forgot about you.
It's like one of those fantasy, you beat fantasy by not believing in it. Well thats enough for now, im gonna continue my regular basis of blogging everything and nothing. Good night Adelaide <3>