Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Im lost again. >.<

So i'm thinking of working, but not sure where. If anybody reading this has any recommendations, i'd be glad to hear it. I have two days of uni and 5days off a week, im getting lazy and irresponsible, i need to work and want to be more responsible for my age. Im thinking of something to do with food, waitress, cleaner, something that has a nice outfit and doesnt get boring.

I'll be honest again, i somehow, slightly feel like my faith is slipping, like not so strong as it use to be, its still there, im still trying to save others, praying and occasionally reading my bible, but something makes me feel like it's not enough. I know, if anything i should be growing deeper and stronger, seeing as i've just brought someone new to Christ, but, thats not how im feeling. I want to feel more responsible. I'm going to try something new tommorow, im going to sit down in the sun, and think about where my life is going, where i'll want to be in a few years time, what i'll be doing, will i be content, do i want to follow my career?

I'm at the stage where i've lost all motivation, simply because i no longer have a reason to do anything, i need a goal, something to look foward too. Somewhere to go, a path to follow. Im so very uncertain that i want to be an accountant, which is why i've become so lazy. Chruch and Oxygen has been my escape, but i think i really need to face this and get back on track. Im wasting time, valuable time. I wish i had a study partner, in the same course, so i wouldnt have to do every group assignmnet by myself, study by myself and when i dont understand, or leave notes behind, someone would magically have them with them.

I need a new best friend, a uni best friend. I'm not very good at making friends unless its coming from their end. I'll try to befriend somebody i think would be nice to hang with, and the ammount of effort/time put in does not get rewarded. However when others do it, its more successful.

Yesterday i had a dentist appointment at 3 o clock. I went there exactly on time, coughed and they sent me home with a mask and detol. I'll post a picture of it tommorow. So i've got the common flu, or swine flu, i dont feel so special, everybody has it now. Apparently there has been 29 deaths in south australia regarding the outbreak.

Something doesnt feel right, i dont feel right, i dont feel like blogging these days. Im not sure why, so many things i want to blog about and talk about, but i cant find myself to blog it. Sometimes i feel like im alone, like im being neglected. I'd walk out of my room, andy would be watching television, and when i look at my mum, she'll have this look in her eyes as if i've done something wrong. And it bothers me, alot. I feel like im dissapointing her somehow, like i've lost control of my life. So maybe i feel like im a dissapointment. But i feel really out of it in this family. Maybe because im the only Christian and i get really tensed when they challenge my decisions. I feel like i have no support. I feel like i dont have any say in this family, like i'd be trying to talk or bring up something and someone will just talk louder, and i'd just give up. I'm like the inside voice, the voice that doesnt matter.

It's true, my family has been bringing me down lately. I know that they love me and all, especially my grandma. She's awsome, i love her to bits. And i know sometimes things dont go well. But she gives me the most support, and somewhat always gives me the most attention. She always backs me up, and argues for me when i've given up. So i'm not feeling entirely confident, and comfortable with my lifestyle at the moment. It's somehow flickering with my faith. Sometimes i try to see through things, try to ignore it, but once things have been said, they're not forgotten. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes i get teary, sometimes i just take it, but everytime its like a slow incision, you can cover it up, but it'll soak through.

I wish my family was more family like. Suportive, loving, respectful and motivational. I actually thought back today, more like everyday. Where did it all go wrong? i've only ever come up with one answer that fits a majority of the criteria's. And even if it is the right answer, theres the fact of accepting it, i dont want that to be the reason why i've fudged up, because it doesnt seem reasonable. My mums happy, Andy happy with his life, Michaels happy, my grandma seems happy, so why am i not? I have awsome friends, i have fun, i have a great lifestyle here. Yet i feel incomplete.

Uni is scaring the crap out of me at the moment. Im sick, was sent home by doctors this week and need to get a sick certificate. The whole process of growing up is freaking me out. Last year i went for walks at night to clear up my head, this year i procrastinate on msn. blah blah blah i'll try not to complain about my family anymore, theres too much on my mind and theres a neverending list. The other day i was talking to my dog about Jesus and how he gave his life for us, im not sure why, but i felt like it, Daisy is one of us now, shes family. And although animals are more like sacrafices, i want Daisy to go to heaven if that sounds silly. Today my mum came home and said, hey! do you guys want to give Daisy away? and we all yelled out no! why would you want to do that? and my mum said, i dont want to see her die.

She's just a dog, but i'll be really upset if she dies, shes 10 years old this year. Sometimes i look at her and it makes me think. She just walks around the garden, eating junkfood, and shes always happy. She sleeps all day, gets excited when we come outside, she always comes to us even when we hurt her, she must love us that much. And thats probably why dogs are the most loyal creatures. It'll be hard to replace her. She's gotten hit by cars about 5 times and survived, i've ran after her so many times, carried her home. Smacked her for running out, and within the next minute she'll be all jumpy and hypo at my knees. How is it that a dog has so much love that it can just ignore any pain you've given it?

I'm thinking too much, its night, im sick, should probably head to bed soon. If i was on optus, Sarah would beable to call me now. i'm not sure what else to say, i think im going to head to bed now and maybe blog more about how lost i feel. I dont blame God one bit. I'm content with the life style his given me, it'll just take time i gues. And i know he loves me, he loves us all, i wish i could really have a conversation with him. I want another spiritual encounter.

God bless, good night adelaide. <3

1 comment:

  1. cheer up man, u should be grateful for what u have now, u have everyone around you for help and support and im sure none of them will let u down, that includes me.. even if i'm miles away, i'll be always there for you.. keep ur head up, i'm sure in time everything will work out for each and everyone of us.. it will take time and when it finally comes, it will be all worth it..

    part of the blog that u wrote when ur mom said she doesnt want to see daisy die.. thats sad, i've taken daisy for a walk a few times and she has grown on me too.. i hope she's still there by the time i get back.. but only time could tell..

    missing you shitloads
    take it easy