As i sit here staring at the blank and pointless screen listening to worship "through the inside out" i've realised that i've never felt more down in my entire life than i have this year. I'm so tired of everything thats happening and going around, every possible attempt is failure, i feel like giving up. I'm not a fan of giving up unless i feel like i can not do anymore, as if my existence is pointless. I'm not sure whats making me feel this way, and this is as negative as i can get. Its not healthy to stay negative because only in math a negative + more negatives would make a positive, however its been 10 months now and i've remained negative, nothings changed.
Where is the light at the end of this tunnel? does this pathway lead to a new one? will this atmosphere change? I dont see anything happening that even gives me a glimpse of hope to even look foward to the next chapter of this story. I hate giving up, yet i feel this is right. I walk home at night talking to God, freely and loudly, asking him questions, and praising him, but weeks after weeks and months after months, im still in these same shoes, no progression, no nope.
Im so tired of myself, and i've come to a point where i've relised it myself. I know i have a problem and i dont know what to do. I feel very unlike myself this year, as if im being somebody else, like sometimes i feel like myself and thats only when im feeling happy. It's almost like ive made the opposite of what i am into a being of itself.
Never would i have imagined my life to come to this point. To have so many unanswered questions and unresolved issues. 10 years ago, i had no worries, no stress, no expectations. Photoes on my wall show me how much i never planned to be. I feel like i want to talk to someone to let out all my thoughts and stress, but its always summing up to, they're not the right person to speak to, oh that person is definiatly going to tell someone else, oh i dont want this person doubting me. Its like a overfilled bottle, still filling up, building its own fragments.
And from Vi's statement, "theres times in your life, well maybe not for you yet and hopefully not ever, but theres times in my life of being a christian when i start to burn out." I feel asif my candle is being blown out. I dont want it to get to the point where im just going for the sake of being there and to escape judgement, but i feel as if, its become pointless. I've never began to think of alternatives so much as to this point where i want to in christian terms, screw up my life a little bit just to know the real taste of complications.
Is it really normal to go through things like this? Is it because i've grown up more, that im beginning to subconsiously think about things i never use to? Is it because of external influencers, i still tell myself that nobody influences me, but i feel as if i was just being naive. More towards to bad things of life. Im so dissapointed in how i've handled this year, and still handling things now, its unforgivable, yet i cant seem to change the factor.
I was talking to Vince on skype, if it was my time to go now, i would accept it, id be afriad but i wouldnt avoid embracing it. There are so many things i want to do, yet escaping from everything im feeling now seems worth it. I cant explain it, im so confused at what i've stirred up. Its like all these unresolved emotions have mixed into something that cannot be identified. Im not even sure what it is im angry with, because there are so many things, so many things i wish would just go away. if only.
Sometimes i feel like i cant go on, i cant take it anymore, i convince myself i can, yet i end up breaking down the exact same time the next night. Im not sure what sets me off, perhaps the bitter feeling of voidness. or the getting no where factor. I wish i felt more strongly about myself, and were able to just not care what people think of me. I wish i could do as i like and get away with it. I gues thats the downfall with having friends, you begin to think for them. Whereas if you didnt have friends, you'd feel lonely. And i would conclude that loneliness is the worse feeling to have to experience.
I just found out Michael is heading out, Andy is out, mum and grandma is out, suddenly this loneliness ive spoken about is about to strike me. Its too cold to go outside, night time is the worse time to feel lonely because nobody is available to talk to. Im not sure what to do, i wish it was tommorow now, because i'll be studying at the library with Sarah.
You know the real dissapointment is in yourself, i think im coming up with an answer, instead of feeling that others are dissapointed in you, im probably over exaggerating it because im real dissapointed in myself. And i can probably sum up why. Im too afraid to admit that i've reached this actual level of noobness.
Sometimes i feel like i've become a totally different person depending on how i dress. It just occured to me that when i dont do my hair, i feel more emotional, and dissapointed in myself as to when i do dress up and do my hair. When i do, i feel like i can see past that figure and be somebody else. Yet it still doesnt stop me from handling my emotions the way i do.
Sometimes i try to make a joke about it to make myself feel better, but you cant always laugh at matters for it to go away. Theres no cure or remedy to what you feel, theres only the matter of facing it. Vince sais i've become so negative this year that my mindset is negative, and that i am negative. I wish somebody was able to tell me this before i faced it.
I think the fact that i look like im the strong guy and the guy who has no troubles to most of my friends is getting to me. They all complain about their difficulties, and i support them and give them advice, yet i dont tell them whats going on in my life except for in on this blog. And sometimes when i give them a slight sigh they would say, whats wrong? your life is perfect, you have everything and good friends, siblings, good life style, and i'd smile back abit and nod my head, its true, but thats not what it feels like. And i dont want to crush that image they have of me because if i did, how would i bebale to support them if they found i was as fragile as themselves?
I feel all this responsibility in making others feel better about themselves that i forget myself. And im beginning to reach my peak where im beginning to hate some people or avoid particular people because they rely on me too much. I'd never tell them that and perhaps i send of the opposite vibe because im afraid to hurt their feelings, but whenever i say "no problems and its fine" i feel my heart ache, as if its wondering why im doing this to myself.
After confessing this people are probably gonna run away from me now because they know i've lost the heart in what i do. Why did God make me this way, why am i feeling the way i am now?
Theres just so much i want to say at the moment, so much i want to yell out, and let loose, but i cant, i know im probably going to cry and bloody up my fist. So much i cant say here, the one place i should beable to let loose. Amnesia would be a alternative cure right now. Im bashing my head in to find ways to let it all out without having to express it.
I was suppose to deal with this a long time ago, why do i let things pile up and keep stacking to its content? I've heard from so many people that its a bad method, yet its the only method i know how. I wish i could scream to my lungs content and stop this silent/bitter feeling in my chest. Its killing me.
I think what im going to do is start with the most simple thing and fix it from there, and that is my studies/family since their almost linked together.
I wish i will findd myself now or soon. And not let it infect next year.