Well todays 12 hour migrain definiatly reminded me of how i felt when i was 4. I've got a feeling, i did something wrong yesterday or last week to have been given the chance to rexperience my migrain tantrums. It somehow reminded me of my promise. I intend to keep it and do not ever want to relive those moments.
I cannot explain how weak/vulnerable i felt today, i could not shake the feeling off, i layed in the sunlight for 2hours trying to fall asleep, took 3 panamas, and slept for 6 hours. When i woke up, i felt a slight ache, and i knew today was going to be a rough day. Yet i was still determined to go to church, which was a good decision. Tried dancing away the thought, playing music and games, nothing worked. Went to youth, met up with Dan and Jeremy, and worship started, it began to fade away, at the end of worship and service, we went to maccas and suddenly i bumped into Dan, and it reminded me, my migrain had gone.
I was so relieved that the pain was gone. So during service, i felt obliged to re-dedicate my life to Jesus. I felt maybe i did something wrong/sinned. So that was my decision. I must admit, its been almost 2 years, and i've never lifted my hands up whenever they do the calling. But after watching that video, i felt Jesus understands me, no matter who i talk to, how much i elaborate, they'll never understand as much as he would. The migrain really pushed me off my limits, i wanted and was willing to do practically anything to rid the pain. So today was the first time i've ever told myself, i wana give it all to him. I'm too tired of carrying these burdens, pointless, utter burden that have no meaning whatsoever.
Whenever the opportunity came, i always reasoned myself, no, i can handle it, i'll deal with it, even if it means just running away and just letting it stack up. But i really felt obliged today. "The Passhion of Christ" i mean he didnt die for nothing, he died for a purpose, and if i wasnt touched by watching a virtual version of Jesus going through his crusifiction then i would have definiatly re-reasoned myself. So i decided to put my hands up, and then i knew they were going to ask us to stand up, i felt God telling me, preparing me, "your gonna have to stand up, are you ready?" and i was thinking, stand up! stand up! you've raised your hands already, so i stood up, and whenever im nervous, i scratch my head, or play with my hair. And i knew he was gonna ask us to come up so that we'd get prayed for. Which did happen. Anyway, the point was, i didnt run away, i finally faced it and gave it all to him.
Its honestly refreshing, i havnt felt not guilty for so long. The feeling of a free mind. Zoe was always nagging to me about letting go, i think she knows how stubborn i am haha. So in a way, perhaps the migrain was a good thing? either way i didnt like it, the pain was horrible, although it wouldnt be comparable with what Christ went through but it was my ordeal.
To be honest, i was kinda afraid of going to sleep, didnt wana wake up in a coma haha. Well Friday was definiatly interesting, and a whack experience, i hope i never experience it again. Although i am quite curious to what i may have done to be reminded of my promise to him. Maybe he was reminding me because im reaching my 20 mark and i should rebargain my life with him haha.
Do you ever feel like you know where your heading, but your not sure if your taking the right route? So your pretty much facing 2 mysterious circumstance, but you know both are right. im bummed, i need time to think. I found todays message really powerful and inspiring, and although i've never been really affected by the way people look at me when im speaking about the blessings of Christ, i felt like it was a real inspiration, Jesus was spat on, tortured, and crucified for he loved us so much, he sacraficed himself for our sins. So that we would be forgiven, and through his wounds we are healed. I get fired up when im telling a story to do with a experience with Christ, and when i'm procrastinating about how real he is. I get alot of friends and family, judging me, saying im too much a good boy, but for some reason its never bothered me, like everytime im critisized, i never stop to think, i just keep going.
A couple of says ago, a lady showed up at the sushi place where i was happen to work. I noticed she was wearing a cross neclace, and i felt like i should ask if she was a Christian and start a conversation about it, since she might want some random inspiration. So i was argueing with my mind, and i was like fine i'll do it, so i said "hello, so are you a Christian?" and she couldnt hear me and i gave up, she was quite annoying to be honest. I dislike those people that are demandful, yet in-coherent, if that word exists. I serviced her, and everything, but i felt disrespected.
Today i was playing with my face in the mirror, dont ask why. But i found out i could make the puppy look eyes. Which of course is a winner, because i can use it to manipulate close friends now haha. I tried it on my dog and she looked at me the same way and started waddling towards me, and as she was about to reach me, she slipped and i laughed haha, then she ran away. Now im just procrastinating about nothing since the moral of my blog has finnished.
Nina just signed in, and i'm thinking, what happened to Nina? She went back to Vietnam for 8months and shes changed so much, shes always speaking in viet now, socialising with viet people and i wont go into her personal life, but i wonder why and what has made her change so much, i havnt seen her since last year. Did i lose a friend? who knows. Friends come and go as they like, thats why its not healthy to rely on friends. I dont really trust my friends, its only those i feel that can connect with me are close friends. Im joking, Nina's awsome.
I feel like im suppose to save this guy, his got a Christian girlfriend, but its kinda rough at the moment. She's apparently very commited, so im thinking maybe its her that has to save him and not me. I admit i've tried several times in the past, but never successful. I want a real hard one, that i can focus on and get angry with and be like dam this person near impossible, but not like Sarah because i dont know what to do with her haha. She's gonna read this and be like damn peter talking about me again, im gonna go scratch his window when his asleep.
Oh yeh, i just happened to randomly scratch my neck and hit my earing, a random white girl, a leader complimented my earing today, haha i get so many compliments about the unique earing. I should tell them the story some time. And i was talking to Mark today, he wants to have a "meaningful conversation" with me O_O" yeh im freaked too. He sais the next time we're in lifegroup i have to talk because, and thats it. He also wants to make me into a leader, which im considering, i mean i like helping people out, but im not sure if i can commit to it.
Im bad with commitments unless im sure of it. And So i was thinking, i could live a life of following or leading, which one mmz. plus i cant even drive yet, and im too antisocial and conservative to even beable to connect to my underlings. I let my emotions fire me up and get angry and mean when i cannot deal with people, which might be bad. I dont want people running away saying peter tried to bite me and have the other leaders looking at me going so umm who is responsible for him? and Mark would be like argh crap. Yeh my patience is a short spand, its a problem im well aware. But on the other hand, i could gain leadership skills and gain more confidence in myself.
Anyway, so today was pretty interesting, and whack at the same time. Im not sure if i like it, but i hope my saturday will be good. Apparently i have oxygen, i havnt gone for a month, and i feel like i've deserted them, when really i've been sick/tired/lazy/studying/doing homework pretty much making excuses because i dont have one person i can focus on there. I always have to be wondering around joining new groups, and have Dan and Jarad, follow me to make sure im not being anti social. I'm the guy who sits by himself, eats by himself, and goes home by himself, and believe me, i stand out. When im at youth i feel too old, when im at oxygen i feel too young. Everybody has their own group, and they're all like 20+ and they all know eachother, i need to bring someone new there so i can focus and experience the oxygen life with.
Oxygens fun, interesting, have the best food and events but, hanging by yourself, seems out of it. People are polite, and occasionally come to socialise with me and motivate me, but i feel like im wasting their time, they're doing it out of sympathy. I enjoy it anyway even if i go alone, its just the motivation to go that gets me.
And you know what puts me off? When im the only Christian in my family, and sometimes i feel like im not trying hard enough to save my family, i mean they're all smart enough to make their own decisions right? and everytime i ask my mum, i get lectured and scolded. In simple words, i get no where and discouraged. I've never tried with my grandma, but i will when i can drive.
I have a philosophy, "everyman has the urge to be a superhero" that can be translated in many ways. But the one im reffering to is, meh im too lazy to go into details maybe another time.
I ended up getting a 11/15 for my COMMS 1054 assignment on non-verbal communication. I'm real upset about my score, come one, it sais i lost 3 marks on my mark sheet for having 3 unacademic sources and i only sourced the individual 3 once. I could of had a HD (High distinction) ahwell better luck next time, atleast i know my academic level is reaching its standards when i try. I told some people i'd try this semester, truth is i've been holding back alot, still finding it hard to try, but it motivated me a little, knowing that i do have the potential when i put int the ammount of effort. Cr my ass, my next assignment is 2500 words, hopefully i'll get a HD for that and laugh at the tutors face.
It's currently 2:09am and im still up, im gonna crash soon because its unhealthy of me to be up at this time when im getting hay fever syndrome. I need to take more photoes and update my albums, i was going through old photoes and i was thinking of doing a highlight of this year, yet January to like July would be missing, maybe i'll just try harder next year, must get a photo every month or week. 52 photoes sound possible. And it'd be intersting to review them with friends and in the future too.
Oh and on Tuesday night i had a call from Mark, and i was thinking ah crap, i swear i handed in my 40hour famine from last year! but he invited me to his house on Wednesday, and i told him i'd go since im doing nothing, so he got his friend to pick me up "Nathan" and when i got there, i was thinking, boys night my ass, he didnt tell me it was life group, probably knew i wouldnt show. haha. It was very interesting, i made a new friend "Kathryn" correct me if i spell it wrong, the young white girl who sings on stage. Very nice person in my opinion, she saved me from this other girl who was asking me to go to her 18th when i never even met her before.
And i'll try to be nice, theres this person i find really hard to handle, to put up with, to tolerate, to stay calm, to refrain, to maintain. I dont know his name, but i wont mention who he is, maybe to some people, but they might scold me for being mean on him haha. But im trying my best, i mean it doesnt show so far, so thats good.
The Royal Adelaide Show is also on tonight, i totally forgot about it. Havnt seen any commercials, but i dont think i'll be going this year unless someone awsome decides to organise something. It's been dissapointing every year anyway, same rides, sime prizes, same people. Wow i sound like a downer, one of those people who bag things out because they dont know how to have fun. And i'll be like dude! i had 4 exams there last semester, and they wernt fun, believe me.
My eyes are getting sore and itchy, i think im gonna hit the hay. This has been a long blog, to highlight my week. I'll blog about why im a let down tommorow, haha sorry Adrian and Simon.