Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Too many things not enough.

After reading Vinces blog, i think ive changed so much in the short time that his left, and even from last year. And i've come to a conclusion that i keep too many things to myself, which is probably not healthy. In the past i would blog about whats on my mind, put it into some puzzling game, but it seems the puzzles are solved too easily, therefore i dont blog it. I've tried opening up again, but its like trying to make a very difficult decision.

"Who do i save? Wife or children" for example. Thats how hard it is for me to make a decision unless im optionless. I think the reasons behind it, is i think too much. I should go a day without thinking about any consequences and just do things that i want and what i think i should do. Some things deadly in my room, it bit my arm and my cheeks now its all puffed, like the powerpuff girls. o.o

Which randomly reminded me, I miss 2008. I miss alot of things since journeying through this year. I feel so tied down this year, took up reading as a new hobby, been going to church more, trying to find answers from above. Nothing really makes sense, until you've watch the circumstance after you've faced it, then you see a new perspective. Next year, i'll look back at this, and maybe, i'll see it in a new perspective. I havnt been blogging much lately, this week has truley been blessed, theres just so much on my mind, and i should really just focus on one, but i cant seem to do that.

Friends, family, girlfriends, close friends, all see different shades of you, but i think whats happened with me is, ive become one shade, or rather, im only letting them see any other shades of me now. I kinda hate thinking about whats happened, and how ive handled it, but im trying to express some parts of it right now in this blog, which i cant seem to do. It all started last year, disobeying what God asked me to do. I've always done what his told me to do, raise my hands and worship in public, walk with my hands up, talk to random people, restore broken faith, encouraging people, giving money to the broke, giving away material things, walking to church, there are alot of things, but i couldnt do the most simple, most beneficial thing for me, i wanted to do it, he told me to do it, yet i couldnt, because i thought too much into it.

I've said too much now, so im going to head to bed, Good night everybody, i've had a very unhealthy day, and i wish to be more myself these days. Sigh, im writing it as if a little kid is writing a letter to Santa saying what he wants for Christmas, expecting a response. The power of expectation. I wish i could relive this year, so many regrets, so many dull decisions, so many moments uncherished, too many unappreciated memories and time spent. It's actually making me quite sad/upset, I wish i could go back to January 2009 and possible change fate, but i cant, i can only face the present and expect the future.

I wish i played my cards right, i wish time would turn itself back, i wish some people were still here, i wish i wasnt in this pitch, i wish i tried harder, i wish school wasnt over, i wish camp wasnt over, i wish i had food, i wish i was content, i wish for too many things. Yet i cant identify which group they should belong in "want or need" i cant seem to make up my mind for anything actually, which is very dissapointing. You'd wana play safe, but not too safe, otherwise it'd be boring, which is in my case, i need to take some risk, get some excitement. I want to do bad things, get in trouble, get told off and not care, do what i want, learn from my mistakes, get some senses knocked into me. But i dont want to die.

I cant decide, honestly, this angel and this devil inside. Its so troublesome, they both want different things, and since im the host, i cant decide. I couldnt even let go during the healing service at camp, why do i hold onto things i dont need? i dont know... maybe ive held onto things for too long, and probably beleive that its part of me now. I wish God would really just lift the weights of my shoulders. I know im not the only one with issues, but it seems i cant handle this one. I keep saying, i like a challenge, i like proving myself wrong, which inspires me to do so, but, i cant seem to get anywhere, even when i try, i get no where.

I dont get it, i've tried, im trying, i try, but nothing is right. I cant seem to do anything until its all over. And even right now, its so vague nobody understands what the heck im writing about. Its just jibberish on a piece of paper on the web that only i can read and comprehend. I've been such a bitch lately, and i do notice, but i'd really like to meet someone like myself to see what im like. Only in dreams perhaps. I said goodbye a couple of paragraphs above, i said good night to cherie an hour ago, i said bye to raf an hour ago, i said good night to my mum 30minutes ago, i said goood bye to myself last year, so why am i still up?

I find that the more questions i ask myself, the more i understand myself. And so i keep blabbering on about nothing, absolutely nothing. Good night Adelaide, we are truley blessed. God is amazing and he is real, God bless. <3

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