Growing up from being a child to a teenager and currently a young adult. I've always wanted to be somebody else, and each year, it'd always be someone different. Every year, i'd find atleast one new close friend, which i'll focus on and talk to, and i'd want to be just like them, because i wasnt content with myself. And its been 19 years now, i think from what i've gathered is atleast 12 traits from 12 different people. And what i've developed is an identity crisis.
Identity Crisis - An identity crisis is when an individual loses a sense of personal sameness and historical continuity.
Today i accidentally/possibly hurt a close friend verbally because i wasnt feeling myself, i was tired, i missed morning service and worship, im stressed, was cold, feeling mentally challenged, mum is in my face, family conflict/disagreements, woke up sick, bracers cut the inside of my mouth, and those pretty much highlighted my day. A day where nothing goes right. I feel like sleeping, im so exausted, i want to wake up to a better day, but Uni is tommorow, im half excited.
My friend said, she isn't going to let me slack of this semester, she's going to be in my face like my mum, but not my mum, so i wont feel as mentally challenged.
Today while sitting on the bus to Avcom, this car stopped next to where i was sitting beside the bus window. As i looked at it, it had "Hakuna Matata" and after that i knew it was going to be a rough day.
"Hakuna Matata! it means no problems, for the rest of your days, its our problem free... philosophy."
Im so exausted right now, my eyes are sore, my eyes are fudged these days. Everytime i go out with my friend, 3 hours later, they'd be like, "Hey, are you alright? your right eye is red." i have no idea why it does that, its probably an indication of how unhealthy i am, my immune system doesnt seem to beable to repell bacteria fast enough. Today i went to read at borders, i bought a packet of starburst and KFC, the KFC made me feel dirty and oily, which put me off aswell. I saw anime characters while walking through rundle, id walk past each of them with a smirk on my face, because i smirk at things i like. And they'd walk past me thinking, this guy is probably laughing because he doesnt know why we're dressed up, typicaly asians. Cause, they'd walk past me whispering to one another and looking at me gloomly.
And catching a 1 hour bus without the time, is the most ridiculous circumstance nobody should ever face. I had to gamble when to go to the bus stop, because my moodyness prevented me from seeking help from pedestrians. I had to wait 40 minutes in the rain and heavy win while eating KFC, i did not like it one bit.
These days, i feel like im just "the good boy" where people ask for money and say they'd pay me back, but dont ever bring it up and expect me to. Where people assume that they're going to a party to get drunk and have sex is more important than my friday night at church. Where people can call me whatever and get away with it, because id rather prevent a commotion. Where people think they can tell me what to do because i dont tell them their idea sucks. Where people expect me to fix everything because its my fault. When people expect me to do my homework because im not doing it now but doesnt mean im not getting to it. I feel as if im being overlooked, and judged because i let things slide too much. And now im in this identity crisis which means im going to bite back to people i dont intend to.
I was suppose to help someone this weekend, but i forgot and i was in all honesty too tired to. I felt responsible for not even sending a sms nor have i apologised yet. I feel like i've let myself down this year. I was suppose to play my cards right, i was suppose to be superhuman.
Qouc just messaged me on msn asking "what im doing?" i told him i was being moody. It half lifted my mood, not that im swinging the other way, but he reminds me of myself. I always pay him out, pay his mum, his girlfriend and his rabbit out as a joke and i'd put "I'm joking (:" and he'd be like, "haha you fag." And he'd always shout me macas when i leave my wallet at home, and i dont know why, because i never shout guys. He even drove me and raf to camp because i was late, and even lent me his sleeping bag when i couldnt find one. But atleast he isnt taking my jokes as a misunderstanding, he drives me to badminton, drives me home, lets me drive his car, teases me and Sarah and will back me up.
However his having some relationship difficulties which reminds me of mine. I wish in heart, i was really that kind and caring, but it's not me. Anybody can verbalise their sympathy. To be honest, i wish i cared more, i think what it is is pride. I admit i have too much pride.
I hate how people judge you from perspective. They dont say it, but they expect you not to do things that are unethical. Because it makes me want to live up to their expectation of me, so i dont do what i want to do. And then i spend countless hours questioning why i even care about what they think of me when they're only assuming i am who i am. Which means all the people that think i am who i am all have a different perspective of me, which means my identity crisis is never going to end. And if i do something im-practical, they're going to think different of me.
Yeh ever since year 5, parents, teachers, kids, everybody has judged my actions. I think what i've developed is the "Be what they think you are syndrome". I think the people who hurt you the most, are the people that mean the most to you.
Anyway, this should cover up for the past 14 days of no blogging, i've grown lazy, and gone back to bad habbits to drain time.
